STRANDED

I’m afraid to fail. I always have been.

The day we did kindergarten placement testing, I came home crying because I couldn’t answer every question—when most of the questions weren’t meant to be answered.

Because we all came from diverse backgrounds, the assessment was a gauge to help the teacher know who would need extra help with letters and numbers and colors. Some of us lived and breathed Sesame Street. Others not so much. That test wasn’t an indicator of how we’d do in college. But even at five, I took it that way.

Today, I’m a wife and a mother to kids way past kindergarten age. And nothing’s changed.

I want to do my best. I don’t just want my best to be good enough. I want my best to tear through good and come out the other side of perfect.

That need for perfection, driven by my fear of failure, has dropped me in the middle of a lake of quicksand that’s rising so fast my chest constantly feels tight and I’m mentally short of breath. My thoughts are fuzzy and some days putting away laundry feels like lifting a mountain.

Worse than a half-empty-glass scenario, I’ve begun to see my life as a series of failures and my Band-Aid fixes aren’t working anymore. I can no longer get up in the morning and push through. I can’t talk myself through finishing a project or force that plastic smile that says I’m playing along with life.

But I think that’s the point. At least in God’s eyes.

Because now He’s got me right where he wants me. Down. Desolate. Desperate.  And I have no choice but to listen. It’s as if when He speaks to me gently, I push Him off and put Him in the I’ll-do-this-later category. I’ve forced Him to roar.

I wish I wasn’t here, drowning in quicksand. I wish I were one of those people that had a got-it moment on the first pass. I wish I could grab a branch and free myself from sinking. I wish spiritual battles were a myth.

But they’re not.

So I have two choices. Keep sinking deeper and deeper until I can’t breathe because the sand is filling my throat and slowly suffocating me. Or I can stop struggling, ask God what He wants from me, and let Him lift me free.

That’s what He’s been waiting for. He wants me to ask Him and to quit relying on my old tricks.

Have you ever been stuck?

Have you ever felt like God has left you stranded in a dark alley with no car, no cell, no money, and no way out? In the middle of a gang war?

It doesn’t matter what brought you to that place. Marriage, kids, family, job, money, illness, attitude. Circumstances change, but the place we end up remains the same. And that place is painful.

It might feel like you’re treading water in an ocean that’s pulling you under. Or you’re being squashed between a rock and a boulder. Or you’re being stretched between two trucks moving in opposite directions. It might feel like you’ve landed in a spiritual desert that goes on so far in front of you, you can’t even conjure an oasis.

Here’s what my lake of quicksand is teaching me.

Anything I do in my own power will never be enough. A thing will never be enough. Even people will never be enough. Only God will be enough. This truth will never change.

I’m locked in this spiritual battle because I have forgotten my roots, who I am, who I belong to and the crushing quicksand is for me. Because God loves me. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

God put me in this place because He’s about to do something great in my life. But first, He needs to get my attention. My focus. My will. So I’m not looking left or right or behind. He wants my eyes on Him. 24/7. No idols. No distractions. No fear.

Here is what I will choose to do.

*Listen and believe the Voice of Truth—which is not my own.

*Be brave, stop struggling, and reach out to Him.

*Trust He will grab my hands and pull me out when the time is right.

Is God moving in your life? Is He prepping you for something great? Does He want more for you than you can ever imagine?

If you’re sinking, that might be a sign that God has incredible things in store for you. Both Proverbs 3:12 and Hebrews 12:6 tell us God admonishes those He loves.

Why?

To pull us closer to Him. Exactly where we need to be.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones” (Proverbs 3:5-8 NIV).

14 Comments

  • DiAne Gates

    God’s Word is always the same. To you, to me, to all who will listen. “Return to Me, says the Lord of Hosts, that I may return to you, says the Lord of Hosts” (Zechariah 1:3 NAS).

    Life is a battle and we’re off the road and in the ditch (or quicksand) before we realize it. Our pride and deceptive hearts scream “Work more. Work harder. You’re not doing enough.” All lies straight from the pit. And it’s a battle that won’t end ’til Jesus comes or calls us home.

    Thank God for His mercies “that are new every morning.” Glad to hear you’re refocused and doing better. Zechariah 2:13 tells us, “Be silent, all flesh, before the Lord; for He is aroused from His holy habitation.” What comfort to know whatever our chaos and problems are, He’s in charge…to lead, to teach, to deliver us.

    DiAne Gates

  • Ann Clark McFarland

    As far back as I can remember, The One-Who-Would-Discourage has whispered to me, “You are not enough” in those times of being “stranded.” I felt inadequate and rejected. I would argue back and try harder to be “more everything.” The cycle repeated over and over until one day I realized the “voice” was right. I agreed. I was not enough, BUT with God helping me, I was more than enough. It was nice to stop arguing. Phillipians 2:13

  • Andrea

    Another beautiful blog post! Just last night at Bible study our pastor was talking about how people tend to embrace the “Savior” part of Jesus, but not necessarily the “Lord” part. I think we all need a reminder of Who is in charge, even though it’s so easy to go through life thinking it is us. Hang in there, Lori!

  • Monica

    Thanks for the words Lori. Your testimony was right on time for something I have been struggling with. It was a great reminder that God is trying to get my attention and to stop relying on my own strength, but instead trust God and just let Him handle it. Thank you!

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