Where Is The Miracle? Part One
I follow a lot of CaringBridge sites.
CaringBridge allows a family in medical crisis to post updates, prayer requests, and needs to a page that friends and family can access.
The sites I follow have catchwords like “children” and “oncology.” My rooting in the pediatric cancer community comes out of the four years our family spent battling leukemia with our oldest son, Kyle. Because we’ve tread our own rough journey, people send me CaringBridge links, ask me to write encouraging emails, and pray for their friends and family that are dealing with similar struggles. I consider their requests a privilege. The way I see it, if I can’t take something away from my stay in a very dark pit, what good are my experiences? Not letting Jesus use me would be a waste. I staggered through the journey for a reason. So did Kyle. And I wouldn’t give back the empathy, wisdom, or perspective that came out of that trek.
Here’s how this works for me. I go to the link and sign up to receive updates to my email. I read the journal entries and the family’s story. I pray for these anonymous kids until I know them and their parents—intimately. I join them on their journey—sometimes from a thousand miles away.
As I go about my own life—kids, homeschool, cleaning, laundry, activities—various updates load into my Inbox. I click on the updates and scan the latest news.
My heart breaks every single time.
These kids struggle with school and friend issues, unsuccessful and painful chemo treatments and surgeries, hair loss and mouth and skin sores, intense bone and muscle pain, and the desperate desire to just be “normal.” I’ve walked in those shoes. Fallen under the weight of Kyle’s agony. Lived the desperation to save my child—at any cost.
I’ve begged and pleaded for The Miracle in hopes of sparing the journey in favor of healing my child.
Many stories do not have a “happy” ending. Families dive into a dark pit where they breakdown, fall apart, and suffer right along with their child. Sometimes they get their lives back. Sometimes they don’t.
When the decline begins and the updates grow more desperate, my fingers hover over the Enter Key that will activate the link and I hesitate, knowing one day soon I will receive The News.
I relive the desperate hope, the deep need to believe in The Miracle. The pleas for The Miracle to come quickly. The anger when The Miracle fails to manifest.
I slump in my chair at the appearance of that last post listing interment arrangements. In lieu of a gift, please send a donation to the…
I ask myself, what happened to The Miracle? A question I mulled a lot while Kyle suffered. What sin kept The Miracle away? What treatment did his doctors leave out? What did I do wrong? What did I miss? What prayers did I leave out? Why did Kyle suffer through four years of hell before we got our lives back? Why did the sweet little girl in the hospital room next to ours go through three years of hell and never get her life back? We all ask these hard questions—controversial faith altering questions.
Here’s a new question: What if The Miracle did occur and I missed it?
God tells us, “…my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways” (Isaiah 55:8 NIV).
Next Post: The Miracle Manifested Part Two
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8 Comments
Lyndie Blevins
Lori, you are so brave to continue to follow these sites, but it is also so you. This Nov I lost a college friend to cancer. Every time that happens, I take pause at why I was left…
Lori Freeland
I ask that question all the time about Kyle. Why is he here and so many other kids are not?
Brinda
What a touching and important post. I don’t believe that any sin keeps a Miracle away. If I thought that, I’d would never expect a miracle. I haven’t dealt with this kind of experience, but I know many who have and I admire your faith. I’ll check out the link. Thank you.
Lori Freeland
I don’t believe that sin keeps miracles away either, but you couldn’t imagine the things we heard after Kyle was diagnosed. The journey is there. God meets you on it. You choose to follow Him or go your own way. I’m so grateful that we chose to follow Him.
DiAne Gates
Lori, after our daughter died eleven years ago I spent many hours questioning God about unanswered prayer. How could He have refused my request for healing? I prayed so hard. Our daughter had a seven month old that God had healed in the womb. She also had a four year old. Both of these kiddos needed their mom.
One evening after a particularly long and painful outcry to my Lord, He gave a stunning answer. One I will never forget. “I did heal Michelle, DiAne. I chose to take her home to do it.” That was about the time I found the verse in Deuteronomy 29:29 “The things revealed belong to you and your children forever; but, the secret things belong to the Lord.”
Does that mean I never question? I’d love to affirm the fact that I never do anymore. But that would be a lie. I still question. I still grieve. However, I’ve learned that joy and pain can mutually co-exist in my heart. What is even better, the depth of pain increases my capacity for joy. I’ve come to understand that God did indeed accomplish The Miracle for our daughter ~ I just haven’t seen it ~ yet!
DiAne
Lori Freeland
Thank you for sharing that! I know that you have walked a harder journey than I have and I love your honesty and the fact that what we have in common has brought us together!
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Cameron
Hi,
I have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?
Thanks,
Cameron