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Suffering by Default
John 14:1 (NIV) “Do not let your hearts be troubled…” Suffering. Bring up suffering with a group of Christians and you’re almost guaranteed to push people’s theological hot buttons. The questions will go something like this: Does God cause my suffering or does He simply allow me to experience life in a sin-filled world? Does He want to use my circumstances to mold my character? Is there something I need to learn or do to escape the emotional or physical agony of being trapped in moments of trauma and crisis? Does He cause me pain on purpose or is this situation some kind of cosmic accident that I need…
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STRANDED
I’m afraid to fail. I always have been. The day we did kindergarten placement testing, I came home crying because I couldn’t answer every question—when most of the questions weren’t meant to be answered. Because we all came from diverse backgrounds, the assessment was a gauge to help the teacher know who would need extra help with letters and numbers and colors. Some of us lived and breathed Sesame Street. Others not so much. That test wasn’t an indicator of how we’d do in college. But even at five, I took it that way. Today, I’m a wife and a mother to kids way past kindergarten age. And nothing’s changed.…
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Jump out of the Box
Jump out of the Box Two words that unleash a whirlwind of emotions, unlock a pile of memories, and bring back the rush of new experiences. First dance. First kiss. First heartbreak. First public humiliation. New friends. New choices. New games like 벳무브 가입. New opportunities. New temptations. A glimpse of how we will handle the uncensored side of people, the often-confusing multi-dimensions of ourselves, the possibilities for our future and the pain of our failure. So when my only daughter, Maddy, and I had a real discussion about changing things up and going the public school path, the words middle school came with a daunting punch. Maddy has been…
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Molectomy
I wrote this post two years ago and last week during dinner with my doctor, the topic of melanoma came up again. She agreed to add signs of melanoma and resources to the end of the post if I reran it. Our hope is to get the word out about how serious skin cancer can be if left untreated. Here is the original post. Below is a note from Dr. Becky. And some resources. Please share. Molectomy I stood in a movie theater lobby during a recent Mom’s Night Out catching up with people I hadn’t seen in a while. One of the moms was my friend Becky. Becky…
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Conceding Christmas Part Two: The Response
Conceding Christmas is the story I wrote about our Christmas in 2004, less than two months after Kyle was diagnosed with leukemia. This blog is one of my favorites. Here is Part Two. Conceding Christmas I curl up in a ball. Think about that verse from Matthew 11. “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Do I believe it? Can I live it? Release him. Trust me. Every moment I don’t let go, fear eats away at me. I live in bondage to the terror that Kyle will…
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Conceding Christmas Part One: The Call
Conceding Christmas is one of my favorite past posts and tells the story I wrote about our Christmas in 2004, less than two months after Kyle was diagnosed with leukemia. Here is Part One: Conceding Christmas 3 AM I burrow deeper under the covers, the bed large and lonely. Thirteen days until Christmas, but I’m not planning a celebration. Arranging a funeral seems more likely. My husband stayed at the hospital tonight with our ten-year-old son. This time, Kyle struggles with fever, low blood counts, and multiple infections—staph in his central line and fungus in his left lung. The neighbor’s Christmas lights shine through my curtains, pulsing red and green. An ache…
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Babysitters and Body Guards
What do the following positions have in common? Babysitter. Body Guard. Manager. Safety Net. Advisor. If you’re a parent, you’ve held them all or you will by the time your children dive from the nest. One day they, will pay for their own phone lines and car insurance, schedule their own dentist appointments, drive through and pay for their own take-out, and do laundry in their own dorm rooms or apartments. Independence. That’s what we strive for from the moment we hold those babies in our arms. Our number one job is to teach our kids how to be strong and kind and ethical and everything they need to be…
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Parking Lot Prayer
Some miracles are hidden. And they don’t feel like miracles at all. At least not in the moment. Eight years ago today, I sat on a blue plastic chair, hands clasped in my lap, in a sterile examining room and struggled to process four words no parent ever wants to hear. Words that carried enough power to punch a hole in my world and rip up the foundation. My son’s doctor, an older man with glasses sliding off his nose and a brown-striped tie, balanced on a tiny round stool. He rested his arms on a laminate desk that extended from the wall and took in a breath, as if…
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The Price of Passion
Maddy slid open the van door and threw her piano books on the floor so hard they scattered across the gray carpet. “I’m quitting piano.” “What?” I glanced in the rearview mirror at my ten-year-old daughter, piano prodigy extraordinaire. “I messed up.” Giant tears hit first, heavy sobs lagging only a second behind. “I practiced all week.” She sunk in the seat, yanked on the belt, and clicked the buckle in place. “And it was hard.”
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Baby Love
“A baby?” I gaped at the nurse in blue scrubs and slid into the chair, almost missing the edge of the seat. My stomach flip-flopped into my throat. I swallowed hard, fighting against the physical push to vomit. The last week of bowing over the ceramic toilet seat hadn’t been the flu after all. Pregnant? Pregnant? Pregnant? The word spun on repeat, distorting the more times I said it in my head. I stared at the sign on the wall imploring me to Choose Life. Of course I would choose life—and relinquish mine in the process. Not a choice I would have made had someone asked. A baby confused…
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